I will admit pressing publish on this blog felt like I was giving a speech while standing naked in a room full of strangers.
Which makes sense considering I’m close to nakey in the photos and in my admissions below.
My sister and I were brunching last weekend and she reminded me of a meme that I thought was funny untillll… I was at the receiving end of it.
Yeah well…it happens. And this is where I found myself this summer along with being the main caregiver for my mom after her heart surgery and taking on home schooling my 6th grader for the first time.
So you can say that life got…well…Life-y.
This isn’t meant to be a “Dear Diary” entry but more of a peek into the human-ness that we all possess and can wreck havoc not only on our personal lives but our bodies and mental health.
In case you’re new here – quick background…I was a fitness competitor from 2011 -2014 with less than competent coaches.
I competed in my LAST bikini competition at the end of 2014 and it left my metabolism, hormones and life in a huge mess.
I gained over 20 lbs. in a very short period of time due to binges and neglecting self-care.
It was incredibly depressing and it took me 2 years to feel like I was out of the dark with my obsessive thoughts about food, my body and feelings of worthlessness tied to my appearance.
Like any normal human I’ve had my ups and downs since all of that.
While I no longer feel like my purpose in life is to have a “perfect” body (whatever the hell that means, anyway) I do know that the neglect I had been partaking in at the beginning of 2017 made me feel like shit. I wasn’t treating myself in a way that served my highest good.
In the spring of 2017 I realized that my carelessness with my health was taking a toll. Not only physically but mentally.
I was exhausted, my sleep was lackluster, my mind felt foggy and I was longing for the zest for life that I had when I was on top of my health and fitness game.
With the help of a small village — my studio community at Venus, my trainers (trainers need trainers like doctors need doctors and lawyers need layers), yoga, sensual movement and nature; I roped myself out of my funk from this summer.
I wanted to share this journey with you because my mindset is completely different this time around as I’m on the path to reclaiming my mojo.
The MOST important thing for me is how I feel and how I’m showing up in the world. I am now HYPER-aware of my moods, cravings and physical sensations. I am no longer obsessed with thoughts of my body, using food or wine to numb my emotions nor am I spending hours at the gym.
I am clear that my while my super powers are not tied to how my body looks, they are certainly affected by how I’m feeling and treating my body.
In the April photo I’m about 10 pounds heavier than now. While I love that girl, I don’t love how she felt. She was trying to make a career out of wine tasting and eating her emotions 🙂
I don’t look at that picture with disgust or self-hatred.
I look at it as being merely a blip in time where that chapter of my life came with a bit more carelessness than is ideal for me showing up as a leader in this world.
My “now” picture makes me proud not only because of the physical difference but because of the mental difference. It shows that I decided to step up and claim my power back, not just physically speaking but on a self-love reclamation.
I got back to my regular workouts and I feed myself better without feeling deprived. AND, I’m kicking anxiety and depression in the d*ck.
However, while I am human and still like to look good, my biggest priority is feeling good.
My core desired feelings are free, divinely feminine, authentic, influence and ease… all of which I was NOT feeling while mistreating my body earlier this year. The real motivation I needed was to be accountable to YOU and to MYSELF.
While I can still be a great leader and coach regardless of my size, I wanted to be transparent and let you know that rough patches happen in my life too. I’m pleased with my progress so far and I’m continuing on with the accountability as I coach the women in the 6 week #FierceAF challenge that starts on Monday.
Lastly, the reason I’m writing you today is this:
#1. DO NOT get discouraged if you have taken a few steps back in your fitness goals and feel like you’re starting over… it happens to the best of us, EVEN the pros!!
#2. If you want to join me in my journey to a #FierceAF Holiday you can still sign up. We start on Monday.
#3. For those already on board with #FierceAF please hold ME accountable and I will continue to coach you with some of the strategies I used to come back from my rut– including the MOST important MINDSET strategies to battle the negative voices, anxiety and depression.
#4- Life happens and you can bet that exercise, eating better and self-care helped me feel more like my truest self.
I want to stress that I’m sharing this vulnerably with you because, while it’s tempting to chase #Bodygoals, I wholeheartedly got my ass in gear because I was feeling terrible, exhausted and not my truest self.
While I appreciate the body changes, it’s the newfound sense of mental clarity that keeps me going and motivated.
*Disclaimer- The “after” photo results are not typical. I’ve refused to give up tacos, a couple of glasses of wine per week, pizza and M&M’s on my journey to a sustainable healthy lifestyle 🙂
If you are ready to join us on the journey to your #FierceAF Holiday season, hit this link like you mean it.
I hope that by sharing my story it provides inspiration, insight and tools that you can use in your own life!