the beauty in surviving a shit sandwich – my divorce musings

As we embark on the beginning of a new session of Goddess Body University, it brings me back to last year when I was going through the process of divorce, I was completely out of touch with my body. I’ve seen countless women also come into a crossroads in their life, ready to shed layers of insecurity, finally ready to take their self-care seriously and de-stress.

I know this personally all too well. Stress was an understatement in my own personal journey last year. I had put this undue pressure on myself to “keep it together”. I had been “keeping it together” in my marriage for about 13 years for the sake of my children.

Tearing apart a family was a guilt I did not want to bear.

Until one day I looked in the mirror and realized that I had robbed myself. I was spending my days avoiding the truth, making excuses and busying myself so I wouldn’t have to deal with reality. I didn’t know who I was anymore. I was coaching women to be strong, confident and powerful in their lives when I felt like a phony, fake and crumbling mess.

During the thick of it, I found my strength in teaching women to do what I did not have the mental fortitude to do for my own life.

What I didn’t realize is that while being a teacher, I was indeed the student. I learned that my timing needed to be just that, mine. No one could tell me what or how I needed to live. I had to come to this realization on my own.

So when the pain of staying in a broken marriage exceeded the pain of divorce and starting over, I decided it was time to call it quits.

I was terrified that I would wake up one day, 50 years old when my children were all gone and finally have the courage to be honest with myself. Life is too short. My children have shown me that their love for me is unconditional and it is there whether I’m with their father or not.

divorce-is-final

I have not one single regret. I don’t wish I would’ve done it sooner. I don’t hate my ex-husband. I love every part of my journey that brought me to now. The lessons that I have learned, albeit the hard way, are ones that I will use as powerful tools for living in the future.

If you find yourself in a similar situation and you’ve exhausted multiple attempts at working through your differences with your spouse, I invite you to consider the biggest questions I asked myself when I made my decision.

Would I want my children to remain in a marriage soley for the purpose of keeping their family together?  Do I want them to live unhappily and sacrifice their vitality? 

I was teaching my children that my own happiness, worth and integrity wasn’t important. I was internally a mess and felt like a liar. This, in turn, made me a distracted, frustrated and impatient mother.

Unfortunately, my children had to bear the brunt of my unhappiness that surfaced as having a short temper and my lack of being “present” with them.

While my marriage was “over” years ago, we were both going through the motions and trying to make it look like we had our shit together. We faked it. Slapped on smiles for the family and friends. Took adorable family photos that looked like we had a perfect marriage and family. Although we managed many happy times together as a family, behind closed doors we were strangers to each other.

For the record…no one has their shit together. There is no life (or marriage) that is perfectly balanced. It’s all a myth. 

When you scroll through social media remember everything isn’t always what it seems. While I’m personally not of the type to spew my current dramas on social media, I do find catharsis in sharing once I’ve found my lesson. It is my hope that it helps someone that may be going through the same struggles that I did.

I’m here to tell you that you have permission to have a perfectly imperfect life and you do not have to carry guilt for not having it all together; whether it be through divorce or not. I’m telling you that it’s ok.

Life and love don’t come with a handbook. Kids weren’t delivered with instruction manuals and sometimes life hands you a shit sandwich. 

When I realized that I didn’t have to live my life according to how everyone else did or how I was “supposed to” it was so freeing. It was more important for me to be true to myself than to worry about what everyone else around me thought. This was tough, no doubt, but the freedom I feel to be 100% true to myself now is priceless. 

Rest assured that everything happens for a reason and things will happen as they are supposed to. No matter where you are in your life, putting focus on your own self-care regimen (or lack there of) is more important than you think. Losing your identity is a real phenomenon that happens at times when you become a mom, wife or deal with serious life situations.

I’ve seen hundreds of women come through the door feeling like they don’t know their bodies anymore. Part of rediscovery is taking the time to journey into falling in love again…this time with yourself. Goddess Body University will challenge you to move, think and eat differently that will in turn change your perspective on who you are in the world. We start very soon and would love to have you on board. You can read more HERE.

6 Comments

  1. I think what finally gave me the backbone to not allow the off & on repeater cheater boyfriend of 15 years back in my life again is when I realized my teenage kids were loosing respect for me. I also realized that I had lost my self worth. I had allowed him to make me feel undisireable. My friends kept telling me I deserved so much more but I just didn’t feel it. I was also afraid of all the what if’s. I am no longer bound by the lack of trust in a relationship and what will happen in my future, and I feel so much better. To you Diane, you may had felt like a phony as you put it when you were coaching us while going thru a bad marriage. But I have been in your studio off and on through out many years now. Mostly when I was going thru some hard times and feeling bad about myself. Going to your classes and listening to you reminding us to love ourselves and our bodies no matter what shape or size we are. Empowering us to feel beautiful and sexy when others are tearing us down. Reminding us we are worth loving. You have helped so many of us to love ourselves again. Not to mention the classes to help us feel so darn sexy again. You are like a best friend to each and every one of us that walk thru your doors. I thank you for all you do, for it is so much more than you may realize.

    Reply
    • Christine I am so grateful for you. Even in my darkest of time walking through the studio doors and being there for each and every one of you lit up my life. I’m so glad you are finding yourself in your journey. I hope to continue to be a part of your life in each chapter somehow. You are beautiful and sexy and worthy! Much love to you my friend!

      Reply
  2. Absolutely understand and felt the exact same way! I lived many years in an unhappy marriage behind closed doors for the ‘sake of my kids’. Spent many nights sleeping on the couch. Until I realized that I would never want my kids to think that was the way a marriage should work. The example I thought I was setting wasn’t at all the one i actually wanted them to learn f I’m! Learning that my happiness was important was profound, and that although they were young, later they would understand and get it.
    Thank you for sharing your life with us and always being so open and honest!
    Xoxo

    Reply
    • Yes, kids are so intuitive and know much more than we give them credit for. I lived the same way sleeping in different beds and rooms…trying to fool everyone. In the end we were just fooling ourselves. I’m grateful for you sharing your story. Thank you Gina! xoxo

      Reply
  3. This is, based on this writing, EXACTLY what I thought, felt, believed, dreaded, cried about, and ultimately took care of. 17 years of the slow death of me, my passions, desires, and all that I am and could be. I’m dreading telling the kids and the whole process but am SO freaking excited to rediscover myself and get my voice back! I am so excited for my future! I plan on making the next half of my life the best half of my life! Thank you for sharing and baring. Your story and resilience have truly been an inspiration to me! (and I am SO glad to find out you’re not perfect! ?)

    Reply
    • Susan, thank you for your comment. It means a lot for me to know that it’s resonating with other women. You will find the silver lining even if not just yet! It’s all a part of your journey. Love you! xoxo

      Reply

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